And, fin.

May 19, 2010

I lost the baby today.  Five weeks, six days pregnant.

I discovered blood this morning, and immediately knew what was happening.  Still, there was a tiny flicker of hope that kept burning — until Maggs and I laid down for a nap.  As I lay in bed, I suddenly felt my uterus contract hard.  I ran to the bathroom, and found that I had passed a big clump of tissue.  And that was it.

I’m so, so sorry, my little one.  It just wasn’t your time, I guess.

You had only the slightest whisper of an existence, but you were loved and wanted.  I think my ambivalence (expressed in other posts) was a reflection of my deep-seated sense that something wasn’t right this time around.  The tests kept telling me that I was pregnant, but I knew things weren’t right.  I think I was afraid to get too attached to the idea of you, because I feared your loss so much.

I will choose to believe in Spirit Babies — that the next time I get pregnant, your spirit will get another turn at the rodeo, and with any luck, things will work out better.

I love you, and will not forget you.  Good night, little one.



3 Responses to “And, fin.”

  1. ChiaLynn Says:

    Oh, Lucy. I’m so sorry. I wish there was more I could say.

  2. Amanda Chea Says:

    This post made me cry. Even though I already knew what happened. I honestly believe in Spirit Babies and have for some time. I truly with all my heart believe that your little one will return to you.

  3. NaechsteHaltestelle Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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