Archive for May, 2010

And, fin.

May 19, 2010

I lost the baby today.  Five weeks, six days pregnant.

I discovered blood this morning, and immediately knew what was happening.  Still, there was a tiny flicker of hope that kept burning — until Maggs and I laid down for a nap.  As I lay in bed, I suddenly felt my uterus contract hard.  I ran to the bathroom, and found that I had passed a big clump of tissue.  And that was it.

I’m so, so sorry, my little one.  It just wasn’t your time, I guess.

You had only the slightest whisper of an existence, but you were loved and wanted.  I think my ambivalence (expressed in other posts) was a reflection of my deep-seated sense that something wasn’t right this time around.  The tests kept telling me that I was pregnant, but I knew things weren’t right.  I think I was afraid to get too attached to the idea of you, because I feared your loss so much.

I will choose to believe in Spirit Babies — that the next time I get pregnant, your spirit will get another turn at the rodeo, and with any luck, things will work out better.

I love you, and will not forget you.  Good night, little one.



Protected: GAH GAH GAH

May 17, 2010

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Protected: Happy birthday, Maggie!!!!

May 14, 2010

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Protected: Maggie has an announcement to make

May 12, 2010

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11 months

May 4, 2010

My sweetest, my most wonderful and beautiful daughter:

As I write this, we are only 11 days away from your first birthday.  I cannot, for the life of me, believe that it has almost been a year since you were born.

11 months is every bit as magical as 10 months was.  Your Dad and I have been having SO much fun with you! One of my favorite parts of the day is when we all sit down at the dinner table and eat a family meal.  You gab excitedly over everything, make hilarious and unexpected faces, beam at us, giggle, and generally make us want to bottle you up and keep you like this always, because we could keep living in this moment FOREVER!

Just another typical dinner with Maggie!

You continue to amaze everyone with your rapidly expanding vocabulary.  I can’t even keep track of all the words you use now, but here are some:  wowee, uh-oh, bath, yucky, yummy, cup, all done, and yeah.  My favorite part of you developing new words, though, is seeing you try them out for the first time.  You’ll hear me say something, and I’ll repeat it while you watch my mouth veeeeeery closely.  After hearing it a few times, you very quietly make a first attempt, just to yourself.  I give a great big cheer and smother you in kisses, because WOW, you are so smart and brave and just plain ol nifty!

And tasty, too!

We continue to have a freaking blast, you and I.  I’ve been singing a song to you over the last week or so, and every time you hear it, you wiggle with joy and shriek with approval.  It goes – “Yay!  Hooray!  It’s another fantastic day for mamas and babies!  Hooooo-raaaaay!”  (Okay, so it’s kind of silly, but who cares.  Certainly not you!)  And that’s the way I feel every morning with you.  It’s a beautiful day in the Maggie-hood, and what should we do to have fun today?  🙂

You love:

– Our morning walks around the neighborhood

– When your Daddy comes home (always a highlight!)

– Reading books, both by yourself and with Mama

– The Bjorn! (More on that later)

– Your doggy

– Spending time with your Mimi, Aunt Abbey, Aunt Sarah and your cousin Claire

– Old friends, new friends, any friends at all!

– Pulling my hair out of its ponytail, twisting it around and trying to stuff it up my nose

– Me singing to you

– Bath time!

You dislike:

– Putting on clothes

– Taking off clothes

– Having your diaper changed

– Cottage cheese.  (And yet, goat cheese gets a big thumbs up.  Puzzling!)

– Little yappy dogs (can’t say as I blame you, kiddo)

– Hats of any variety, including tin foil

You are a wonderfully happy, wonderfully content and upbeat baby.  In short, your Dad and I are afraid that you’ve ruined all babies for us forever, because no one will EVER be able to be as awesome as you!

So, yeah.  The Bjorn.  You’re almost at the point where you’re too heavy for me to carry anymore, and that makes me tremendously sad.  I’ve carried you in a sling or wrap since the day we brought you home from the hospital, and it’s always been so much fun for the both of us.  You get to view the world from Mommy’s perspective; I get a good view of your grin and easy access for smooches.  Win-win!  Alas, my back no longer agrees.  But for now, and for as long as I can stand it, I’ll keep carrying you in the Bjorn.  You LOVE the Bjorn so much that I have to be careful to not take it out unless I’m getting ready to put it on THAT VERY SECOND, because oh, the disappointment that crosses your face if I have to put it away!

I love you, sweetheart.  More than I could ever say.